Thursday, November 30, 2006

Cowboy Calisthenics

I have discovered the soon-to-be-newest fad in exercise programs. Trust me, it will be sweeping the nation. And just think, I'm letting you in on the ground floor.

The program has 4 easy steps:

1. Crash your daughter's square dancing class during line dancing time. If you don't have a daughter in square dancing, go to your nearest county fair, retirement home, or township singles night.

2. Grab the nearest toddler and attach him firmly to your hip. (I cannot stress the word "firmly" enough.) It is helpful to bring your own toddler or to ask permission before grabbing a random toddler off the street. I was fortunate enough to have Quarto pulling on my jacket saying, "Dance with me, Mommy! Dance with me!" No coercion or permission needed.

3. Commence dancing the Cotton-Eyed Joe. (Hang on to that toddler. He can really throw himself into those spins!)

4. Collapse into a breathless heap as soon as the music ends while the toddler yells, "Again! Again!"

That's gotta be good for at least 1000 calories, right?

Oh, and to add some entertainment to your workout (if you can possibly increase the entertainment value of watching 50 kids, ages 7-17, trying to do the Cotton-Eyed Joe in a room designed to hold 50 people only if they stand very still), wear a knee-length, medium-weight jacket with a heavy wallet in one pocket and a cell phone and key ring in the other. Then, place yourself immediately in front of an uncoordinated 6-year-old. Watch the 6-year-old duck and sway to avoid being clocked by your wallet or keys while trying not to take his eyes off of your feet. Trust me... this makes the chest pounding, unladylike perspiring and complete loss of equilibrium totally worth it.

I'm tellin' ya. It's gonna be BIG!

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