Sunday, April 22, 2007

Thinkers Anonymous

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then - to loosen up, I guess. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

Gradually, I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - though deep inside I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me. After a while, I was thinking all the time. I began thinking at work too. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime. I would sneak off and read Kafka and Thoreau. I would return to the office noticeably confused and asking things like "what is it, exactly, we are doing here??"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. Needless to say, she spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me into his office. "I like you," he said "and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, I'll have to let you go."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed "I have been thinking."

"I know you have been thinking," she said "and I want a divorce!"

"But honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious" she said, her low lip aquiver. "You think as much as a college professor, and college professors don't make any money! If you don't stop thinking we are sure to wind up in the poor-house!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library!" I snarled as I stomped out of the house. I headed straight for the library with my appetite whetted for some Nietzsche. I almost hit a pedestrian as I franticly roared into the parking lot. I ran up to the glass doors, but to my horror, they didn't open. I sank to the ground, cursing the uncaring glass entrance, and whimpering for Zarathustra. Just then a poster caught my eye. It read: "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?"

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today - a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was a Vin Diesel film. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job. And things are a lot better at home. Life just seems easier, somehow, ever since I quit thinking.

(Frodo received this as an email. I do not know who to credit for it, but whoever you are, "Well done!")


1 comment:

lee said...

So, does this must mean that public school actually does work?